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Once again we are alone in the darkness: you and me.
We sit in this room bathed in the silvery light of the moon
Shining, glowing, beacons for each other
Our glances betray our thoughts
You tremor at the touch of  my fingers; I melt at the song of your voice
We are clay and potter at each other's whim
How I wish to caress your cool skin - holding your body to mine
Sliding my fingers upon your neck
How I wish to feel your breath against my chest
Your weight against my thigh
Your strength in my broken heart
Mending it.
Alas, it is only a dream.
A foolish wish of hope and caring lost in the waking world of deceit and pain-devoid of love.
You take the abuse from my anger born of pain
And drink the liquor of bereavement as it flows from my eyes
Speaking the soft delicate downy words of the dream
Removing the venom of anguish from the fractured vessel within
'Come to me,' you whisper to my soul.
'Take me in your arms…'
You accept my wounds without question
Altering each blow into a fleeting caress, embrace, kiss
Refueling my passion with a faultless total love and devotion
Restoring my faith
In trust
And dreams
And every night I leave with bloodied hands and tear-stained cheeks
Well armored for the malice of the world outside our room
To rest my head on scented pillows
Filled with the light of love
Shining brightly
To be found
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Thank you.
Poetry is difficult to critique because it is not as straight forward as other written works. I look for the meaning of the poem, the emotion it tries to convey, the structure and the overall impact.

I read this poem twice before writing this. The first time I was a bit distracted by the flashing icons on the side of the page. The amount of words used in certain lines may be too much. I got bored at one point and looked to the icons at the side. It is always a challenge to decide how many words you need to convey a point and in addition to that how many words in each line. Line 14 that starts "A foolish wish of hope..." is too long. I would break it up after the word caring and maybe even again leaving "devoid of love" on a line by itself giving emphasis to that sentiment.

In the line "You tremor at the touch of my fingers;" The word "tremor" caught me. It seems misplaced. The lines reads better with the word tremble. Tremble is a verb. It is something you do. Tremor is a noun; a thing.

The overall emotion of the poem is sad, but hopeful at the end. It seems to be about the longing to be loved by someone. In the first part there is talk about two people alone in a room. Then we find out that it is just a dream. But the dream itself offers some comfort to the dreamer giving him or her strength to face the world. To that end, the last line of the poem could probably be abandoned without effecting the overall feel of it. "To be found". What is there to be found? The person is already "filled with the light of love". If it were ti end there it would end on the feeling of hope.

Overall well done.
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Submitted on
November 16, 2012
File Size
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